Saturday, February 4, 2012

Happy Hell Night

Okay.  I'm clearing out a few things that I wrote and saved as drafts, like, I dunno, two years ago???!!  I guess I thought they weren't perfect, but so what, I'm posting them.  Embrace the suck!!  Anyhoo, here's a review of a dumb movie I watched.

My review of Happy Hell Night could consist of two sentences:

Ugh. This movie was dumbstoopid.

But, then you wouldn't get to hear the wonderful details of just HOW bad it was!!
The movie started out fairly decently. Creepy dude locked in a loonybin, in a pitch black room covered in rats and bugs, hasn't moved in 25 years, lah-di-dah. Okay, I'm sure there are some sort of regulations, um, regulating these kinds of places, so I don't think I buy that they'd let him subsist solely on the vermin occupying his room, but hey, it had a creepy vibe, so I let it go.

So. Creepy dude gets escaped from said loonybin by stoopid frat boys doing some sort of stoopid frat boy pledge drive, I dunno, what do I know about this shit? Basically it was the whole "I dare you to go in that creepy house where the dude killed all those people!!" and of course, killer dude is hiding in a closet or something and all hell breaks loose. Except said killer comes to stalk the stoopid fraternity house.

Now, the dude was creepy and all. Google "happy hell night" and you can find some good images of the creepy killer dude. Yeah, he was creepy. Except. He'd kill someone and then say something stoopid like "No parking" or "no sex" or ... I don't remember now, but it was mildly amusing at first and then it was just LAME. Kind of akin to how the Freddy movies got steadily worse as each movie made him more into a bad comedian. The first movie he's all creepy and eerie and then in later movies he starts giving out bad puns and it's like, okay, this is LAME. is this review. I keep getting sidetracked cuz the movie was just irretrievably bad after the first hour. One of those where the first hour isn't so bad and anything that is you kind of ignore until all of a sudden something so lame happens that suddenly you want the movie to be over NOW except there's half an hour left. That's this movie.

Like, the whole problem was editing. Okay, there's this dude on a walkie-talkie and he tells the group of kids we're following that he hears a noise heading towards the attic. So I kinda expect that the next bit will show the kids heading quietly towards the attic, except the next scene? They're IN the fucking attic! So much for stealth. And then they find a girl hiding up there, okay fine. But they turn their backs for a minute and then suddenly she's sitting in a fucking rocking chair with her back to them, and of course they turn around and she's dead. In fact, her neck has been sliced all the way round so that when they move her, her head falls off. Um. Yeah. How was it even staying on? And how did they not hear the dude come by, slice through her neck, and then fucking POSE her right behind them??? !!#1@!#F!!

So I started yelling at the TV somewhere around here. The next main awful bit was when the group of still alive kids have barricaded themselves in a room. Darren McGavin is in this movie, making a paycheck, and the killer stabs him through the door with his ice pick/pick axe/ I dunno, sharp thingie and McGavin then basically dies on the bed in the room while at least two of the kids move a large wardrobe in front of the door. Ya know, a wardrobe that is supposedly so heavy that it needs two people to move it, but as they're moving it, it looks so flimsy you expect it to fall over on top of them. So. They're trying to figure a way out while killer dude is shaking at the door with his sharp thingie, and Darren McGavin is supposedly dead on the bed, and the kids decide to I dunno, tie some bed sheets together or something and go out out the window. So like one minute ol' Darren's dead on the bed and then the next, the last kid looks over and the DOOR IS OPEN BEHIND HIM AND DARREN'S GONE. Ya know, I guess he just moved that HEAVY wardrobe all on his own and left the room, despite being dead. And no one heard him. Yeah. Okay. More yelling on my part.

Now. The kid who turned around runs out of the room to find the old dude and he wanders a bit and doesn't find him or the killer dude, so for whatever reason, he goes back to the room they were in. And there's someone in the bed! Oh noes!! Someone got in the bed, covered themself with a sheet, and placed the sharp thingie, drippings with blood, on top of the sheet. I guess the killer dude decided to take a little nappie-poo. Yeah. Right. I mean, obviously the killer put old Darren under the sheets, but this fratboy moron thinks "jackpot!!" and slowly picks up ye old sharp thingie and goes all stabby-stabby. OH NOES!!! It was old Darren, and not killer dude!! And now Darren is actually dead!!!

So. Yeah. So. Then comes the piece de resistance. The creme de la creme. The defining moment of this masterpiece!! Okay. So. Sam Rockwell, who looked about 25, was in a flashback earlier in the movie. This flashback took place 25 years before the events in the main portion of the movie. And remember old Darren? He was about 70 in this movie. So. It is revealed that Sam Rockwell was Darren, 25 years ago. I LOSE MY SHIT. I'm yelling, "Oh. No!! I don't think so!!!!! OMG!!!! DUMBSTOOPID!!!! YARGLE BARGLE YARG!! Worst Movie Ever!!!!"

The best part of it all was at the end, over the credits, a song was being played. A song which I believe was a synopsis of the movie. Um, yeah. I shuddered and turned it off. Folks, this is not a gem of a horror movie. I put it in the same category as The Unborn, which was creepy for a bit and then just went BATSHIT INSANE.  And not in a good way.

On another note, a young Jorja Fox was also in this movie. She even had some lines. Sadly, she did not get nekkid. That might have been worth the watching.

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